Hello. My name is Pierre Bon-Bon Espalier von Blaubeeren. I am titled thanks to ancient, eminent nobility, but I remain penniless in undisclosed location. As you will soon see, I am also victim of circumstance and require your utmost discretion. This is my story, but please keep it within your maximum confidence.
I was once head of secret police of obscure fiefdom operating under order of General Fugandi, the notorious “soldier of fortune,” as some have characterized, who now leads Trotskyite rebels in Uruguay known as Golden Steps. I am a descendent of Germanic sect of Knights Templar from the island of Malta, but Fugandi enlisted me upon word of my versatile mastery of martial exploits and excellence with cutlery. We operated within twelve-block radius within the Moldovan capital of Chisinau, with headquarters on the third floor of the Malldova shopping complex next to a perfume counter and a sunglass hut. Our tentacles, however, had a profound reach.
Fugandi was disgraced, as you doubtless know, and sent into exile, while I escaped after that dreadful Ash Wednesday now immortalized as the Night of Broom Handles, or Besenstielnacht, as I am wont to call it. Everything you have heard about this massacre is a lie; we were not at fault. Our plans to redistribute wealth among our poor brothers and sisters were thwarted, but the counterinsurgents, those foul agents of a corrupted state, did not find physical location of where we kept it. Fugandi removed his own tongue with a butter knife in order to keep its secret, and I am left in hiding as the only other who knows how to access untold millions. To be precise, 87,946,832 British pounds sterling, which at current exchange rates, equals over 127 million American dollars.
I now depend on you to help me continue this noble cause of redistribution of wealth to poor agrarian nomads of the steppe and manufacturing muscle of backward nation-states who exploit the proletariat. By donating modest amounts to this musical project, you signal solidarity with this movement; by replying directly to this email with your bank account, blood types, urine sample, retinal scan, and social security numbers, you provide a safe haven for millions of dollars from which we will later deduct a percentage for your own disposable income, amounting to hundreds of thousands of American dollars.
Please observe various reward tiers for these 20 Minutes with a Loop, performers and martyrs operating in our interest. They very well may sacrifice their lives for this effort. Tell no one of this communiqué. Crumple up the email and eat it for certainty of its safekeeping. Blessings upon you, comrades!
In hope of a better world,
Pierre Bon-Bon Espalier von Blaubeeren